To tell you my story I will have to take you back many years to where it all first began, the beginning of a very long and seemingly never ending nightmare.
My parents separated when I was around one and a half as my father was a violent alcoholic who went provoked he would slap my mother around, when he began hitting her in front of me she knew it was time to leave.
My mother did the best she could, but she had her own demons to fight and sometimes these battles are to much for one innocent soul to bare. She herself turned to drinking it was her way to try and forget what she thought was all wrong.
I had the best babysitter, Rachael but sometime she was not around to watch me so mom would ask a neighbours son Wade to fill her shoes.
I was around 4 years old when I first remember it happening, it was in the parking lot in a trailer, I don’t think I knew what was really happening but deep down even at 4 I think I knew it was bad.
Thus began my first few years of sexual abuse, and as children we really do not know how to handle it, we don’t know where to go and who don’t know who to tell, but we have it in our heads that if we tell it is we who will be punished not the people who are inflicting that pain onto us.
During these few years, one of my own family members decided I would be a toy for his using as well, This time however it was made very clear to me that if I told the wraths of hell would rain down on me and I would burn for this sin.
I was a kid, how was I to know right? No child ever really knows, it’s to hard to come to terms with such a thing.
I remember being 7 and the boy Wade moving away to go to school, Ahhh at last some peace, the pain would now be gone and I would be able to drift those memories into a childhood past that could be forgotten.
Sadly when I was 9 he returned, and it was almost as if no time had past and he started right up again.
One nightmare that never left me, even to this day, I was in a room with the boy and his brother they slid the dresser in front of the door so no one could walk in, then I wake up from the dream I don’t remember what happened after that door was shut and to be honest I am glad I don’t.
This was also the year I would learn in school about people touching you the way they shouldn’t and how it was wrong, I knew then I had to tell my mom.
I remember that day as clearly as though it was yesterday, we cried for a really long time she held me in her arms telling me she was sorry for not seeing it, Then she called him told him to get his ass over to our house when he was done work.
I had been asleep when he arrived, that night is such a blur. I remember walking to the living room and him sitting there with my mom and my step-dad and my mom’s friend, My mom’s friend flapping her gums about how I was a liar and whatever else hateful she could think to spit out.
As I said its a blur, but by the time I went back to bed my mom was convinced I had indeed made it up.
After that I began to tell myself that same thing, that I was a stupid liar, and I had made it all up. But the nightmares didn’t stop.
12 years old, the nightmares had gotten worse they were coming a lot more often then they had in the past.
I go to my school nurse and tell her whats been going on with me and she insists that I tell my mother again, and recommends a place where I can begin to seek therapy.
Mom’s washing the dishes, I bring it up again she’s mad I can tell and doesn’t turn to face me.
She simply states,”Wade said if he touched you it was an accident, he didn’t mean too”
I don’t know what came over me but the most blunt sentence that I have ever spoke came flooding out, I won’t repeat it again it’s a little too detailed but she got the message loud and clear.
I tried the therapy thing I wasn’t ready for it yet, for therapy to work you really have to be in there to get well and have to be willing to talk about things and re open a lot of old wounds and bad memories, I was 12 and just couldn’t do it.
During the 2 sessions I did have mom found out about her relative, that crushed her so bad I hated seeing the sadness in her eyes, the tears on her cheeks, then watching as they turned to anger.
At 20 I was a heavy drinker and hung with a bad crowd, a guy I had know for a couple months offered to take me out for some drinks, I thought nothing of it as we had partied before.
I should have known something was wrong, my last drink tasted funny. But I passed out on his couch anyway only to awake with him on top of me.
It was horrific, I screamed so loud I thought I would die. I began to cry and ask him why he did this to me he said I told him ok.
I was asleep for pete sake how did I say OK??
After a couple days (that were a couple to late) I decided I was going to charge him, When I went to make a formal complaint I found he had up and moved out of the country.
So yet again someone got away with hurting me.
Nightmares would come and go, but when they came I would go into a deep depression for days at a time, feeling like my life was worthless and that I as a human being was worthless and could never really be loved by anyone other then someone who wanted to hurt me.
It wasn’t until last year I fully became aware of just how bad sexual abuse can take a tole on ones life, it was effecting my everyday living and thinking and I was beginning to think I would never get over it.
It was also when I decided that enough was enough and I needed to do something about it, I could no longer let these horrible events take control of me and my life.
I started seeing my doctor for one on one counselling, and she recommended another doctor she said was a specialist in this department and he would be able to help me a lot better then she could.
I waited 2 months to see this doctor, and I was very ready to let all these demons go, but again a door was slammed in my face.
I was told I was not there for counselling, that he only needed to asses if I needed medication or not, he then stated that because I refused to be drug induced that he would go no further with me.
My heart was broken, I had finally gotten up enough courage to get out there and make my life better but because I didn’t want to be drug induced happy he wouldn’t help me.
I am a firm believer that drugs are NOT for everyone, In some cases yes they can help (my mother is a good example) But I have seen what medication can do to some people, I watched a friend of mine go on and off his meds, every time he was feeling good he thought he was better and said “I don’t need meds anymore!” then he would get thrown into a physic ward after his behaviour became erratic to be drugged up once again.
I wanted to clear my head of all the mess not mask it with a prescription, I wanted them gone so no matter what mood I was in they would not effect me any longer.
Please do not get me wrong, if meds are right for you then by all means take them.
If you truly believe they are your key don’t let me not taking them stop you from getting better because ultimately what its about is getting better right!
That’s when I came up with this idea, to write about it, and maybe let others learn from it.
Let anyone out there know they are not alone in this world and that you CAN beat it!
So here I am, letting it all out for the world to see scars and all.
If I can do it, so can you!! There is no shame not for me anymore I know what happened to me was not my fault and I could not control what happened to me.
But I am working to take that pain and turn it into something positive!
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