Today marks the official day .. I am now 19 weeks pregnant! and I can now actually feel movement….slight but movement none the less and I enjoy knowing its getting a “kick” outta being in there..lol
Sadly with this precious joy I’ve become overwhelmingly saddened.
I’ve not gotten over the morning sickness yet and truly have begun to hate it when people ask me about it…like there is no polite way to say “yeah still barfing my fuckin guts out!”
I think whats worse is everyone seems to think something is abnormal about me because it never happened to them so I must have something weird going on with me….and to be honest I do and I am pretty sure my health problems and emotional strain play a big part of why I can’t seem to get rid of this puking all the time.
Normal/Healthy people have more “healthy” pregnancies I am not as normal or as healthy as I would like.
Dealing with the physical pain of Fibromyalgia and the emotional stress of PTSD has become one of my biggest challenges.
With the help of medication I was able to keep it pretty much under control….As many know pills + pregnancy = bad.
So I was taken off all by 1 of my drugs and was no even offered something to help with it.
I did what I had to do to keep my baby and keep it safe and healthy, But in doing so I think I am doing the polar opposite!
I am not sleeping right at all, I have a couple days of good sleep then go a week with poor sleep, I am only eating once a day and when I do manage to eat more often it serves me no good as I bring it all back up.
In the first few months of my pregnancy I lost just over 6 pounds, which isn’t totally uncommon.
And now at 19 weeks I have just gained that 6 pounds back.
Don’t get me wrong I am fat so if I don’t get any fatter I will not complain…lol BUT if I am not gaining a good amount of weight it means my baby is not getting what it needs from me and this causes me even more worry.
I’ve not worried or cried this much in a very long time, I am suppose to be this happy glowing person but it feels like my emotional and physical problems always seem to smack the happiness right out of me.
I just wish there was more the doctors could do for me to help me regain the control I once had so I don’t feel so lost.
I feel so alone these days, No one understands what I am going through because they’ve not had the same issues I have.
And most of the time I just don’t know how to tell people how I am feeling and when I do find words they are never the right ones and I come off as a bitch and yes I’ve been VERY bitchy lately.
It’s all so scary that I am afraid it’s going to get worse and I am not sure if I can handle worse
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