feelin the blues and other issues

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I’ve got about 2 weeks to go and then my little ray of sunshine will be welcomed into the world, and I have to say that for me is the most exciting thing happening in my life at the moment.

But no matter how exciting it is I still can’t seem to shake these blues.
No matter how much I try and shake it off and tell myself everything is going to be just dandy it keeps creeping up and me and frankly I am tired of it :(

As many know I am a survivor, I’ve endured a lot through out my life but managed to take my life back and regain a sense of control and happiness.
I’ve worked very hard to re find myself and no longer see myself as a “victim” but instead a “Survivor” and I am proud of all that I’ve accomplished and work each day to continue that progress.
It seems at times however I tend to let the negativity of others effect me. I wish nothing more then to be able to completely tune these people out but at times it feels impossible.

I’m beginning to have trust issues again, and if I don’t trust you then we have issues!
If I can’t trust someone I don’t want to know them. Trust to me is probably the most important thing people can share and if you abuse someones trust you can not just think they can “forgive and forget”.
I’ve been burned one to many times and I have no intends of being burned like that ever again.
I am a softy and may not come out and say it right away but when I am fed up and have had enough of your bullshit you’ll know in one way or another and I will cut you off completely. If I do then maybe just maybe you should not blame anyone else and take a long ass look at yourself in the mirror.
Many many times I myself was quick to blame others for my own flaws and it was not until I took a long hard look at myself that I realized I was the cause of almost all my own issues.
I try not to tell people how to live their own lives, but if I cut you off there is almost always a reason. do the math!

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
I have so many amazing people around me and I’m rarely actually alone but I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life.
I like many many girls before me wanted to have that “dream” life, Be a wife, have some children, own a house etc.
But my life went into a totally different direction.
I found myself watching this stupid movie the other day, One where the couple of the story show their undying love for one another right til the bitter end and I cried like a baby.
I found myself thinking “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, was someone to love me like that”.
I’ve never been “loved” the apple of someone’s eye, the total package “Your my one and only” girl.
I’ve never had someone think their heart beats only for me, or that I am the first thing they think of when they wake and the last thing they think of before they sleep.
Maybe I ask to much…lol
But like I said, I like almost every other girl in this world just wants to be the center of someones universe.
To be loved and appreciated unconditionally.

My friends say “But Tami in mere weeks you will have that man in your life”.
A child’s love to me is different then the love of a special someone, Much more profound in my opinion but completely different.
Maybe it’s because I’ve never had it and that’s why I crave it so much.
Maybe once my son is here I won’t crave it as much….here’s to hoping 😀

See I do a lot of thinking these days and I like to write it out, so to those who read thanks 😉
I hope your not having the same type of fears and woes as me and if you are I hope you have the strength within yourself to find your own peace, I know I am trying :)

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Posted by Tami Croft   @   9 April 2011 0 comments

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