Emotional Roller Coaster

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I’m nearly 5 months post op and I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for a few months now.

It all started when I saw other new post ops dropping weight faster then I was, I don’t know why I was not happy with my level of success I just felt I wasn’t doing enough to keep up with these other girls. Like some how I was failing.
I try to enjoy, appreciate and celebrate each and every pound I drop because it’s less weight then I was 5 months ago and I SHOULD be proud of every minute.

I still feel off, I can’t explain it but it could be the stuff that is going on around me that is causing me to become over loaded with emotion and a bit of this numbing sensation.
I literally at times feel numb and feel like I can not go forward, like I am stuck in this loop and can’t get out.

It’s up and down up and down and I can’t seem to stay UP for very long.
I’ve been a food addict for a very long time and punished myself by starving myself each and every day. At times I fear I will return to that self torture.
I’ve not gone there, I’ve done my best to do everything the bariatric clinic says to do but sometimes I feel like I am on this journey alone.
I’ve made some really great friends along the way but for me I see it as THEY have more support then I do and it could very well be my own imagination in that but it’s just another way I’ve been roller coasting around.

I thought loosing the weight would make me happy and I’m not saying it isn’t but there is this very negative side to it all and it mostly comes from those who are NOT a bariatric patient.
I’m tired off all the comments about how I eat now. “I’d kill myself if I had to eat the way you do” .. “The food you eat is so gross I don’t know how you do it” .. “How come you don’t finish your food?” .. “I could never live the way you have to live it’s not worth it” .. “I enjoy food, must suck to be you not being able to eat it anymore” .. “EW you have to eat that? thats sick!” and on and on and on…..
It’s a LOT of work (SO don’t you DARE EVER say I took the easy way out!) each day can be a struggle and YES I become an emotional basket case from time to time.
I get the whole “It was YOUR choice to do this!” and YES it was MY choice .. You want to know WHY I made the hardest decision of my life?

I WAS DYING! my body could no longer take the strain of being fat, I was going to bed each night praying I would wake the next day because my own body fat was crushing me!
And to top it all off I was (am) fighting a disease no one believes I have! I am in pain each and every day and my weight began to make it worse and worse.
I had to walk with a cane so I wouldn’t fall over, because lets face it 250+ pounds falling over is NOT funny it will hurt!
I looked at my doctor and said I am fighting 2 uphill battles and I am LOSING! Day after day I slipped a little closer to death.
And at one point I begged it to take me, I couldn’t go through what I was going through anymore it was too much for me.
So THAT is when I made the choice to do what I needed to do to save my friggin life!
YES that means I can’t eat the way other people do anymore, but I’ve made it my life’s mission to research my ass off to find the healthiest and best foods I can find so that I don’t miss out all together and I am doing an awesome job at it!
But some people will never get it. So be it I am tired of trying to explain WHY.

I beat myself up weekly for my eating habits but I track everything using My Fitness Pal and when I go back and look I am really not doing anything wrong.
But in my HEAD I am and that’s been the hardest thing for me to shake.
I’ve been called a pig so many times I believe it to be true. Even though when I was extremely obese I ate 1-2 times a day.
You get into this mind set that your fat, your a pig, your over eating, your going to fail and then you crash emotionally. (like right now I cry as I write this)
I’m NOT a pig, I am healthier right now then I’ve ever been in my whole life.
Yep I am still fat and dare I even say obese but I am healthier now then I have been since I was a child and even then I am pretty sure I was not healthy.
I grew up on fast food I f**king loved fast food and yet I was willing to give it all up to save my life. Can’t I get a little credit?

There were so many reasons behind my weight gain and if you’ve gone through this blog you’ll see why.
I’ve gone to hell and back and made it out with little scaring and its something I continue to work on daily but from time to time and days like this I feel those demons creeping up and taking hold and pulling me back to a place I wish never to return too.
I’ve worked long and hard and still feel so invisible.
Maybe it’s the Pisces in me that longs for the spot light (We’re natural born entertainers and love being the center of attention).
Maybe it’s that lost child in me that was battered and bruised emotionally that longs to feel she’s worth it in someone elses eye.
These are things I know I still need to work on yet I still feel I am on this uphill battle that I may loose………

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Posted by Tami Croft   @   29 March 2013 0 comments

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