Lately I have been feeling very lonely, very ugly. I have this inner need to be everything I had always hoped in my head.
To be “that” girl, you know the one who walks in a room and turns heads.
I see all these images on TV and in the movies and on magazine covers then I look at myself and feel ugly.
Why? I tell myself Tami Your healthier now then you’ve ever been in your life.
Why? Other opinions should not matter.
Why? Can’t I just be as pretty as her?
Why? Can I just love myself?
There is something about being a big girl that stays with you, it haunts you.
I eat don’t ever feel I am starving myself or anything of that sort but I have that fear. Am I over doing it?
Am I screwing with the tool that was given to me? Am I going to mess up and fail the way I have failed at everything else in life?
I was a little girl with such big dreams, such hopes for my life.
I was going to “make it” and show others I had what it took to be better then what they all perceived.
But then their taunts and words come back to haunt me. “No one will ever want you! Who would ever want a fat ugly girl like you?”
They sting as they whistle through my mind, I feel tears well up in my eyes and no matter how hard I fight it or how hard I try I look at my life and think … You did it, you became the loser they ALL said you would be.
With no one to love or respect you, No romance or desire.
Nothing but heartache and pain.
Why do I feel this need?
That need to be accepted by those whom I would more then likely despise?
I tell myself I am too good for them! And if that is so then WHY is that need still there?
Why is that need to be “perfect” do drilled into my head?
It bothers me, those thoughts, those feelings. Because deep within myself I know it’s not who I am nor is it who I want to be but yet they persist to haunt me.
I sometimes feel I am traveling a path I do not yet understand and that scares me. I need to learn and quickly that it’s not what others see that it is what I SEE that matters.
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