I would first like to start off by saying I didn’t ask for depression nor do I enjoy having it.
Some think that it’s just something you can “Get over” and I wish those words were actually true.
I was diagnosed with depression in my early teens and refused any form of treatment, I was 13 and felt I could do it on my own or just “get over it” I would learn later that I should have taken the doctors advice a lot sooner.
I would battle this storm for many years and put my body through such torture that it would taken even more of a toil on my mind.
I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get rid of it, why I couldn’t just be happy and enjoy myself and my life.
Why me? I would think.
But what happened to me growing up played a critical role in how I would view myself and others.
It would shape me in ways I would never wish on anyone.
I was 12 when I began cutting myself. I thought for the longest time that if I took the pain out on my outer body it would ease the pain on my inner body.
I began to do drugs when I was in my early teens and drinking became a norm as well.
I would pull my hair out and punch myself til I would bruise.
Again I could not figure out WHY I hated myself so much and WHY I would go into these depressive states. I just knew I was there and couldn’t find a way out. “Get over it” I would hear that a lot and believe me I TRIED to just “Get over it!”
In my 20’s I was gaining a lot of weight hiding behind the weight helped me to cope.
A lot of people thought I just sat around and did nothing but eat and watch TV but here’s a little info for you about me…..
I was NOT sitting around just eating I was in fact starving myself daily and only eating once.
I would sometimes go up to 3 days with out food til my body began to shake so badly from lack of food I would binge eat then end up throwing up half the food I ate.
But yet I still kept packing on the pounds.
For me the weight gain was a way for me to turn people away, no one would want to hurt a fat girl, no one would want to rape a fat girl.
I was wrong.
I set myself up for one hurt after another. Yes I did this to myself I know that now.
I went from one man to another knowing in my head these relationships were doomed from the start but I didn’t care because at that time I felt it was all I was worthy of.
I was a fat ugly girl who was used and abused and I didn’t deserve to be loved.
By this point I was now drinking 4-5 times a week and I don’t mean just having a few beers I mean packing them down and getting shit face drunk.
I remember falling down a flight of stairs and smashing up my face and head….I should have said enough is enough right then and there but the booze numbed my hatred for myself.
Another time I would come home and puke so hard I began to choke on my own vomit .. I thought to myself “this is how you will die”
I always thought I was going to die young it was like that’s what fate had in store for me. Nothing good would ever come my way.
I was 24 when I tried to take my life for the 4th and last time.
Ambulance was called and I was rushed to hospital where I was forced to drink chalk. I threw up everywhere. all over myself and the floor and the bed I was in. It was such a humiliating experience I just wanted to die and end it all.
The thoughts in my head were too strong to hurtful and too filled with hate and self loathing that I felt the only way to make them stop was to end it all. I didn’t care who it would hurt or how I may be missed they couldn’t understand me they had no idea because they could NOT see what I was seeing or feeling and no matter how much and how hard I tried to explain people would never full “get it”.
I was in my late 20’s when I was finally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as manic depression.
If you know me you will know why I was diagnosed for those of you whom are new in short I was diagnosed with PTSD because of prolonged and repeated sexual abuse when I was a small child.
At that same time is when I finally decided to get the help I so desperately needed.
I began what turned into 3 years of counselling with a wonderful women who taught me many ways of coping with my episodes.
I also began medication. For so long I had NEVER wanted to be medicated but I knew there were just some things I couldn’t fix and in order to help myself continue to get better I had to be on medication.
Let me state a few facts for you people who love to say “get over it” or “You have so much going for you why are you sad?” “What is there to be sad about you have a child” “Think of your kid(s) and you can’t be depressed” “It happened a long time ago you should just forget it” “Let it go”
All those sayings and I am sure there are many more that people have heard.
Fact 1 – Depression does NOT just go away! No POOF and it’s gone, I am sure if there was a quick fix we’d all be HAPPY!
Fact 2 – Saying get over it is easy for you but remember we didn’t ASK for depression and we DON’T actually enjoy being depressed.
Fact 3 – Dealing with it is a life long battle and we with depression would appreciate if you respect that fact.
Fact 4 – YES even women with kids get depressed and suffer from depression .. and if our children were that magic pill that made it all go away again the world would be an awesome happy place! Fact is it’s not that simple to just “snap out of it” child or not.
It does not however mean we are bad parents, it just means we have a little more on our plate and some patience and understanding would be much appreciated.
Fact 5 – Just cause I am on meds does not mean I am a fucking loonie ok! It means I made the decision to get help and get better.
Fact 6 – Using one’s illness against them at any time is awful and you should be ashamed of yourself. We have enough to deal with on our own with out people throwing it in our faces.
Fact 7 – Maybe you should educate yourself before passing judgement.
Fact 8 – Stop telling me NOT to be depressed that just makes it worse! please just be there for us and let us speak to you about what’s going on in our heads.
Fact 9 – Making us feel like we are burdens to you makes it all even worse.
Fact 10 – Know we are not bad people, know we are struggling and we just want to be able to get back to happiness but sometimes it’s not as easy for us as it is for some others.
I write this because it’s been a battle I’m still dealing with to this day.
If you are depressed, you are not alone. There are many of us here for you!
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