I’m starting to really grow up and as I look back on my life I am reminded of what type of person I use to be.
I was not a very nice person. I was kind of a jerk. Specially to those whom I claimed to care for the most.
I’m not sure when I had the awakening but I do know I was one of those people who blamed what happened to me in my past for my behavior.
No I am not saying that things that happen to you specially when they are bad things do not shape who you will become or how you will respond to others what I am going to say however is that I knew I was acting those ways and did nothing to stop it.
It was easier for me to blame circumstances rather then own up to being a jerk.
It was easier for me to live in anger and lash out at others then to take a step back and correct what I was feeling.
I hated myself and what I had become yet I did nothing to change who I was or how I was acting.
It took many years but I finally started to see who I was and I didn’t like her .. not at all.
I slipped into a depression thinking I was going to be stuck being this bitch forever.
Then it just kind of happened. I owned up to it. I admitted it and THAT was when I was able to begin to change.
That’s when my life began to get better.
I became more calm and I snapped out far less then I had been in the years before.
I was able to think things through and think before speaking.
I no longer went into panic mode going from 0 to 60 in seconds flat.
I was finally becoming a NICE person.
I began to care about the people around me, The planet, The animals.
Little things began to matter to me.
I started to make a change.
People think that one person can not change the world but the fact is; One person can educate one more and pay that forward enough times and WE as a whole can.
I was not only learning to love the things, places, people, animals around me I began to learn to love myself.
This has become one of the biggest steps I have ever taken but I am finding there is a lot more happiness in love then there is in holding on to that pain and anger of the past.
I can not change the abuse I suffered, I will never forget it and it will never stop hurting but I can learn from it, grow from it, educate others from it and let people know they are not alone.
Owning your behavior and your mistakes is hard but once you do you can finally grow up!
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