Last night my heart broke with such sorrow over hearing the news that a beloved icon had taken his own life.
Robin Williams was only 63 when he lost his battle with his inner demons that had plagued him for many years.
Today I woke to read an article on #TMZ with a quote from Todd Bridges saying that Robin was selfish for taking his own life.
Todd spoke of his own battles and how he’d over come them. This got me thinking….and crying.
Firstly I would like to say to Todd Bridges “Good for you!” your one of the lucky ones. However not everyone is as lucky as you in their struggles.
Depression effects each individual differently. What works for one does not always mean it will work for another.
You called Robin selfish and in a way I agree with you but have you yourself actually been to that darkest point?
That place where you feel like your now a burden to all those around you?
You start to feel like you are selfish for staying and making each of your loved ones watch as you spiral out of control.
You say to yourself they would be better off if I was not around. They’d no longer have to watch me go through this.
You see depression doesn’t just hurt the person it effects it hurts every single person around you.
In the mind of a person with depression it’s as if your inflicting more pain on those you care most for and this can add further emotional pain to that person.
I’ve battled depression mixed with post traumatic stress disorder for over 20 years now and I can speak of my own personal struggles with those demons. Sometimes you think “YES! I beat them” only to find out down the road they were just laying dormant waiting to pop back up.
I’ve gone to the darkest parts of my heart and soul and felt as though I was drowning.
It sucks the life out of you and no matter how “good” life is the brain can’t see past the pain and the hurt.
You begin to drag others down with you. You cut people off and shut them out because you fear they will not understand.
And you know what most of the time people don’t get it! That makes it even worse.
You tell yourself “they’d be better off if I was not here.” You actually convince yourself of it.
You don’t see your actions will cause more pain, you don’t see it as you are being selfish. You see it as though its an all around win situation where no one will ever hurt again.
I wanted the hurt to stop, my heart ached and I was always crying. I’d been hurting myself physically and had turned to alcohol.
People around me didn’t understand and kept telling me it would pass or to “get over it”. Life’s not that horrible I’d hear.
But your not in my head and you do not see what I see and for me life was horrible. Unbearable.
The pain swelled so bad that I could no longer take it. It was not my first attempt at suicide it would actually be my 3rd.
The first time I was only 15.
Then at 22 on my 3rd attempt I fell to the floor of my bathroom continuing to take pills with a bottle of beer.
I heard my best friend say “It’s ok, she’s ok, I will get her out.”
I was not sure what was going on. Then a bang on the door. “Tammy this is the police, you need to open the door.”
Opening the door the officer helped me to my feet and took me out to the waiting ambulance.
I remember the taste of the black chalk the made me drink. I remember puking all over the bed, the floor and myself.
I remember crying my eyes out saying “Why didn’t you just leave me alone.”
The worst moment was hearing a nurse in the hallway saying that I’d done it to get “attention” again in that moment I wanted to leave this world. No one would ever know what it’s like to be in my head, to feel what I feel.
People can call it selfish and you may very well be right but then you are not in that person’s head.
If you could see into the mind of a person with depression you may second guess that selfish statement.
We don’t ask to feel the way we do and we certainly do not like it. We struggle each and every day to even do the simplest of tasks.
Medication can help but it doesn’t wipe the slate clean. It doesn’t make that hurt go away.
And sometimes like in Robin’s case the demons we hold become to vicious and attack our soul.
You become numb to everything, and you may think we’re only thinking of ourselves but you’d be wrong.
I commend everyone who struggles with this disease and to those whom have stood by someone with depression.
To those who do not understand, educate yourself. You’d be surprised what you can learn.
To those whom have gotten through it bless you! I hope your journey is a continued success.
To those fighting right now, Know your not alone.
Friends, Family, Be patient and kind. Be a listening ear a shoulder to cry on.
Don’t tell me to get over it, don’t tell me I have so much to live for, just be there.
Every day I wake and only try to see the beauty in this world. From my beautiful baby boy to my family to my friends.
I set out with the goal to be the best person I can be.
I try and do good whenever I can.
But some days I fail, I fall and I feel so lost.
Robin Williams to you I say thank you. Thank you for the many laughs and smiles you gave me.
To all those who’ve ever called me crazy, funny, silly, wacky, nutty etc. You can thank Robin for that. He made me realize that my weirdo personality was OK! So anytime I make you laugh know a part of his spirit lives within me.
See you in heaven my dear crazy man!
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