Nearly 3 years after I began this weight loss journey I still find things to struggle with. Today is no different yet in that same breath it’s very different. For the first time since reaching my “goal” weight I found myself thinking. “You are too thin.”
I recently had a tummy tuck where they removed 3 pounds of access skin from my lower stomach and stitched together all my muscles so they were once again where they were suppose to be. I went into surgery at 129 pounds, when told of the 3 pound skin removal I expected to step on the scale and see that reflected. A week after the tuck I was bloated and rock hard swollen but decided to try my luck on the scale anyway. I stepped down and looked to see 131 pounds shine up at me. I felt a slight confusion but quickly reminded myself that I was very bloated.
For many weight loss surgery patients stepping on that scale can become crazy compulsive to the point of obsession. In my first and second year I myself had felt that obsession. The “NEED” to stay at a low weight or the pull to continue losing. My clinic had told me I would be lucky if I ever reached 160 pounds (Very bad form in my opinion as it creates a whole new compulsion) I swore to myself I would show them. I would reach my 140 goal and even try for 130 pounds. When I reached 130 pounds I was delighted. I felt great but knew after my tuck I would lose a few more pounds. Talking with my doctor I was made aware I could be at 125 pounds and be at a normal body weight for my size. I’d not been 125 since I was 14. (And at 14 and that weight I was told all the time how fat I was. I see now how crazy kids can be.)
My clinic however were not a fan of me heading down that low and warned of dehydration. I drink 3 liters of water a day I honestly do not feel dehydrated.
Today was a day like any other, until I decided to hop in the shower. Removing my cloths I glanced up into our overly large bathroom mirror and noticed something I’d not noticed before. The ribs in my chest had begun to peek through my skin. After gazing for what felt like forever I bowed my head in slight sorrow. For the first time in my whole life I thought. “You are too thin now. This is not attractive.” Now society would tell many that this type of look is in fact ideal but it’s not. bones poking through skin should never be “ideal”. I could have jumped for joy and screamed “yes!” finally I am skinny. But not a bone in my body felt that way.
After my shower I decided to step on the scale. I am still bloated from my surgery almost 5 weeks ago but did not expect what I seen staring back at me from that scale. 124 pounds. My eyes bugged from my head. I am now what every professional in the world would consider “under weight”. Only by 1 pound but that’s not the point I am making here. Once the full swelling goes down in my stomach it’s very likely the scale will reflect that with an even lower weight. Now for the first time in a long time my weight frightened me once again. I’ve gone from one extreme to another. And I am sure I am not the only one who has, nor will I be the last. But many will never acknowledge it. They will be happy in the “thought” that this is how the world wants them to look. Because it does not matter if we like it or not we can lose all the weight in the world and still be made to feel absolutely terrible about our bodies. The world makes us feel that “thinner” is better. It’s not by the way. Healthy is better! And for each person healthy can mean something different. Different body types require different things. (Always talk to a professional when regarding weight loss or gain)
So with that I suddenly knew I would have to “gain” back weight. Do you know how terrifying that is for a former fat person? To have to say to themselves. “You need to gain back weight.” You heart says yes, your head screams please no! Suddenly all rational can fly out the window. You start weighting the options. Well what if this or what if that. You fear falling off the wagon. You start to re question everything you’ve been doing for the last x amount of years to lose that weight. I got lucky today. I was able to get my head in check rather quickly. Factor in everything and make a body positive conclusion. But for some out there they can’t. Remember it can become a compulsion and to some it can be so overwhelming it can be almost debilitating.
I’ve gotten lucky. I’ve always know where I wanted to go in this journey and what I need to do to get there. There will always be bumps in my road but it’s those bumps that allow me to remember what I want in life. Maybe today’s lesson was one I needed to have. A reminder. The fact that I was able to see it with out freaking right out was a good thing. I’d like to think it means I am growing as a women and remembering that listening too outside forces is never wise when it comes to my own health. Whatever the reason I am thankful for it.
The journey will never stop. 3 years ago I changed my life and will forever continue to grow. Hopefully in all positive ways! 😉
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