As some of you know I began this journey nearly 3 years ago and then met with little forks in the road that put that on hold…By the way having my son was the greatest road I’ve ever taken and I so do not mind my surgery being put on hold because of him

But as my journey re began I’ve been met with one speed bump after another!
My doctor seems to be taking her time and never returning my calls or the calls and faxes from the bariatric clinic.
Which landed me on what they call the “Orphan” list .. and the longer my doctor takes the further away my appointments become.

It went from being able to see the surgeon in August to now being October and thats IF my doctor sends the needed information they require.

To make matters worse I feel so alone in this process, I mean I know people who’ve had the surgery and I am friends with some who’ve had it as well.
But I’ve witnessed others who are in this WLS family and they get together regularly and have all these good times and I feel like I am on the outside and don’t fit in there.

I’d love to go to some of these gatherings but being on disability and living with a limited budget and paying for 3 people on that limited budget makes it hard…..I only know 1 person in Canada who’s had the surgery all the others are in the US and I can’t get to them easy.

I guess part of me is sad because I’ve watched all these people hit their goal weights and start looking awesome and I feel left behind….I should be there with them sharing in that joy of a new lease on life but I am stuck here at the starting line weighting for the gun to fire so I can also run along side each of them.

I use to go to a forum/website for people who have and/or having surgery but even there they had these little clicks and I felt I didn’t fit in, So I left.

I’ve made a few videos regarding it and yep some people have watched but because I’ve felt so stuck I decided not to do anymore…I’ve got nothing to share but this endless sadness of the “Wait”.

I am not sure if anyone else out there has felt this way during their wait time, I don’t know if it’s normal or not but I am hoping it will pass once I kick my doctor in the ass…LOL

Thanks to all who read and to those who support me as I edge slowly like a snail towards my goal.

It feels like at times I don’t even understand my own child’s cue’s and can’t help him when is in distress.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this helpless before in my life.

I know there is no “book” on how to be the #1 mom but I just feel like I’m doing it all wrong.
And this past week has really taken it’s tole on me emotionally….I just feel like my whole world fell apart.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you think your being punished? like you must not be a good person and your paying for it?
I do not think I am a bad person and I believe in my heart I do good on to others but when bad things happen I tend to ask why me?
What could I have done that was so horrible that would make this happen to me.
Maybe I just have a huge sign on my head that says “SUCKER” and I am the only idiot who can’t see it.

Being a full time and single mom was not what I had planned, I wanted so much more for my son.
I still do, I want him to always know how much I love him and how I believe if he wants it he can have it and no matter what dream it is he has I will share it with him and support him to achieve it.

Nicholas has these moments where he looks at me with those unbelievable blue eyes and the brightest smile ever and I know deep down somewhere I will be ok.
But in the same breath he can look at me with such sadness and my heart breaks.
I feel like he will one day look at me and say it’s my fault things failed.

Sometimes I feel as though my heart is really breaking, Like someone tore open my chest and shattered it to pieces.
Like I’ve been stabbed in the back and find it hard to breath through my tears.
Like someone ripped open my skull and hit repeat on all my bad memories.
I know this is no way to be feeling when you have the greatest gift you can be given looking at you each day.
And this is possibly how I truly manage to make it through everyday….His eyes, his smile, his laugh, when he looks to me and says MaMa or MumMumMum.

He is my miracle child, I believed for many years I was unable to conceive a child and then poof there he was.
And I truly thank god for blessing me with such a wonderful little person to call my own, But I just can’t help wonder why give him to me to only break my heart over and over?

Is it a new mom thing? Has anyone else out there felt as I feel?
Or am I just crazy?

I’ve been collecting dolphins since I was 15 and since then anyone and everyone has bought me anything and everything dolphin…lol
Yep you name it and I probably have it!

But my style has changed and I am now about to down size my collection to just a select few.

I was going to just give it all away, but then I had an idea…..(yes I have them from time to time)
Why not SELL them for cheap and donate the money to charity!
Many of you know I work with Amnesty International in their fight against the abuse of women and children (as well as the rights of men but thus far I’ve really gone gun hoe on violence against women and children)
So it would be only fitting that I continue this tradition in some fashion.

I will not be donating the money to Amnesty however.
I have decided I would donate to 1 or 2 places that I myself have used in the past.

The 2 I have chosen are:
DAYA – Daya is a non profit counseling center in the heart of London Ontario.
I’ve sought the help of my counselor on 4 different occasions and through her support and that of Daya I was able to over come a lot of the obstacles I had put in front of myself.
I am actually going to heading back today sometime this year for further improvements in my life and would love nothing more then to bring with me this donation from everyone
SACL (The Sexual Assult Clinic Of London) is another non profit center for the survivors of many forms of sexual assault and abuse.
Its a safe haven for those who need someone to talk to and a place to heal.

If I am able to raise enough money I will divide the money equally and donate to both, If not however I will choose one of the 2 and donate the full amount to them.

Now for the LIST!
I have so much stuff I am sure I will come across more as I go along but for now here is just some of what I have.

- Mini dolphin cheese cutting board (still in it package!)
- 2 dolphin plates (identical .. will sell in a set or alone)
- 4 dolphin tea light holders with mirror in their backgrounds (will sell in sets of 2)
- 3 Blue/Sliver dolphin figurines (they are metallic and neat looking)
- 2 dolphins in shells figurines (they are a multi color kind of like and opal)
- 1 dolphin figure from green earth (well made and painted)
- Stone dolphin wind chime
- Brass dolphin (heavy like a paper weight)
- Wood like base with 2 small white dolphins attached
- A dolphin light up painting piece (make the scene look like its moving)
- Dolphin wallpaper border
- Dolphin shower curtain
- Dolphin shower curtain hooks
- Dolphin towel set (to hand cloths and 2 face cloths)
- Multiple other figurines ranging in different sizes.

I am selling each for 1 or 2 dollars plus shipping to who ever may buy it…I will tell buyer full prices once I find out from the post office.
Some will cost more as some items are larger and some are heavier.

A lot of the stuff was gotten over the years from different dollar stores and there is another large chunk that I got myself and it was more then 2 dollars…lol

So if something on the list above interests you or you have a friend or family member that might want to take a look please pass this along and let them know.
I will add pictures as soon as I can, I am still digging the stuff out of boxes so more work must be done…lol

Any questions? you can email me at watersedgeadminATgmailDOTcom (take out AT replace with @ and DOT with . )

Thanks for taking an interest…hope I can find some buyers for a good cause!

For many people living with this chronic pain disorder it is frustrating because we live in silence.

I live in silence because I don’t want your pity.
I live in silence because I don’t want you to look down at me.
I live in silence because I know you can’t fully understand.
I live in silence because people make me think that they really could care less.
I live in silence because I don’t like admitting I am disabled.
I live in silence because you once referred to me as lazy.
I live in silence because you once told someone it was all in my head.
I live in silence because you tell people I’m not really disabled.
I live in silence because people look at me like I am ok when I am not.
I live in silence because you don’t take the time to get to know more about me.
I live in silence because I’m afraid to let people know the truth.
I live in silence because I am no longer the person I once was.
I live in silence because I’m afraid to be sad, you make think I am weak.

These are just some of many reason’s more people do not share what it’s like living with Fibromyalgia.
Just because I “LOOK” ok does not mean that I am.
I am in pain everyday, some days so severe I can not even be touched.
People’s voices, sounds and one of my favorite things MUSIC now hurt my ears.
If you could “SEE” my pain I would look bruised all over my body.
Along with Fibro come Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I have troubles sleeping, staying asleep and just getting to sleep.
I am on a drug regimen of over 7 different pills a day, and the one drug that does help my pain to a larger extent in NOT covered by the Ontario Disability Program so I must take a drug that barely works instead.
I cry myself to sleep on a regular basis because some people just don’t get it.
They don’t understand just how much pain this disease causes me and have no trouble referring to me as lazy or a bum who just does not want to work.
BUT what you do not see is me actually WORKING MY ASS OFF to raise a child…with that comes many responsibilities.
I cook, I clean, I bath cloth and change him. I take care of myself and my home.
I pick up after more then one person and YOU may not see that as work but to me it’s excruciatingly painful just to do those things.

So next time you want to pass judgement on me, look down on me, talk about me behind my back GET THE FACTS!
If you have no clue what your talking about shut your face because your not doing anyone any favors.
It’s people like you who make people like me SUFFER IN SILENCE!

Moaning and groaning about it each and every day only takes you back.
Life should be about moving forward not backwards, and until you accept the fact that there are just some things in life that can and will NOT change you will be stuck in a horrible cycle of self pity.

I’ve heard many stories of people saying “Oh yeah this person all they do is complain about how much pain they are in and how they can’t do this or that because of their illness” THOSE people have not yet accepted that they have that illness and are living in the “PITY ME PARTY HAT“.

YES I have days where I will actually complain about how awful I feel at that moment, But you will not catch me going on and on and on and on and on about it, Not now….before when I was still in denial yep but not now.

I do not seek the attention of others, I do not need you to feel sorry for me I can do that pretty good on my own.

Many people do not even know I live in chronic pain, Why? because I don’t let on.
I’ve accepted the fact that for the rest of my live I will be in pain everyday, I have fibromyalgia among a few other things….I’ve accepted the fact that these things will not just magically go away.
There is at this time NO cure for Fibro and I am ok with that….because I’ve accepted it.

So instead of crying and moaning and groaning, so some soul searching and say to yourself .. “OK this is how my life is now going to be, I accept that and now I will live each day the best I can”.
Once you do that I promise things tend to look a little more brighter at the end of that tunnel!

I am a fat women, this I know.
With that being said I want you to know:
I LOVE MYSELF! Not for what I look like but for who I am as a women!
Yes I may have issues, but none are related to my weight.
Am I comfortable in my skin, No…But does it mean I hate myself…NO!
I am a STRONG women, with a creative soul.
I have ideas and goals that I put into action.
I do NOT settle and if you can’t do for me what I need I can move on at anytime, Because I am INDEPENDENT!
I don’t NEED a man to make me feel beautiful, I can do that all on my own.
I do NOT need to put trashy photos of myself anywhere to gain attention, My beautiful face can do that all on it’s own.
I do not NEED the praise of others, the only praise I need is from myself.
I can take care of myself with out needing to rely on someone else to do it for me.
I am fearless, loud, opinionated and mouthy….call me a bitch I don’t care because I am women hear me roar!
I do not seek out attention from others because I need to feel worthy.
My life is NOT about my weight, It’s about growing as a human and becoming the best person I can be.

If people continue to make these assumptions about me I just may have to remove you, because people like you bring me down and I don’t need to be heading down…been there, done that, bought that t-shirt and threw it in the trash with the rest of the garbage!
Remember this the next time you approach me or say something to me, because if you don’t it may be your last time in my presence.

I’ve had a slight hiccup on my road to weight lost surgery, Many know I was being seen to have it done before finding out I was pregnant….My son Nicholas was well worth the wait!
So now I am re doing the whole process again an have hit a minor snag recently.

Last year before I became pregnant I noticed I was having jumbled speech or sometimes slurring words and even forgetting all together what I was saying and pausing in mid sentence to try and re think what the hell I was talking about.
I thought nothing of this as I know with Fibromyalgia comes what is called “Fibro Fog” it can cause memory loss, confusion, disorientation and what I thought speech problems.

While I was pregnant it began to get worse … but of course I chocked it up to not being on my medication and my fibro fog getting the better of me.
I never told the doctor because I myself never thought it was anything serious, I would even poke fun of myself saying stuff like “I don’t talk much I just read about it”.

A couple months ago I asked my in home care nurse what she thought of it and she said I should tell my doctor right away…..I didn’t.
Not until last week, right away she ordered blood tests and a few exams to test my heart. She also asked to see me again this week.

I’ve just seen the doctor a couple hours ago and what she had to tell me was un settling to say the least.
My blood work came back and it showed I still had high cholesterol which really was not news to me because it was like that before I had Nicholas.
She believes that my cholesterol is breaking off and clogging those arteries causing the speech problem.
Her exact words were “It’s very possible your having mini strokes during these episodes of speech impairment”
My mouth hit the bleepin floor, I held back the tears…..could she really be saying that me at 34 years old is having tiny little strokes? NO FRIGGIN WAY! … sadly yes this is the case.
She then tested my blood pressure and sure enough it was spiked too….she asked me to wait a couple minutes and tested again, it finally came down.
More and more tests are needed to find out just what is triggering these speech problems.

I won’t lie, I’ve cried from the time I got back into the car til the moment I got home and told my mother.
I am scared out of my mind and trying with everything in me to stay calm so I don’t drive myself insane.

I’ll now have a daily dose of baby aspirin to help prevent any mini strokes while they try and sort all this good stuff out.

So yep my surgery may again be delayed as I figure all this stuff out.

I will tell you this one thing, If I ever have something funky going on with me again I won’t wait over a year to talk to her about it!
I guess I now have so much to live for that I won’t risk my health any longer.

On a positive note, if it is simply a case of blood pressure or cholesterol surgery will actually HELP it!
So a few more reasons why this surgery is going to be a benefit to me and my health.

So there ya have it, I’ll keep anyone who wants to know updated

Take Care

I’ve been somewhat sad the past few days and I am not really sure why.
My poor son has not been feeling well either which makes me even more sad to know I can’t help him.

I have so much going on in my life at the moment lots of it being very exciting but it still seems at times I feel empty.

I am being paged lol so I guess I will say bye from the phone for now.