Are you one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason?

I really believe we meet certain people, see certain things, do or say some things for a reason.
I don’t think there is anything that is left to “Chance” I think everything we do is to serve a purpose and all of it has a reason.
Sometimes is a small purpose but sometimes it’s for something larger. Something bigger then just you and me.

I never believed in fate when I was younger, it was something over the years I looked back and seen the pattern in my own life.
Fate had sent me certain people to help me to grow, to learn to love and hate, to help me learn to love myself and others.
Some people served their purpose and left my life, but I never forgot what they brought to my life even if for just the shortest of periods.

Sometimes we start journey’s that are wild roller coasters rides, Other times we take our time and allow a journey to simmer.
Sometimes however a journey is side tracked and we have to step off and go elsewhere…But I truly believe even then when the ride is at it’s peak it happened for a reason.
Maybe at this moment I am not suppose to be on that path but this one, so life threw me a curve and I either fall off or turn with the curve.

I’ve had so much going on lately that it’s been a lot to process and through it all I’ve managed to keep a smile on my face.
Recently my weight loss journey has come to a halt, a new path has been shown to me and I know for reasons even I may not know this is where I am suppose to be and I am who I am suppose to be with on this journey.

Remember EVERYTHING happens for a reason, we may not see the reason but there is one.

Yep that happened to me today and it took everything in me not to ball like a friggin baby.
I have to keep reminding myself that this time next year I will not look like these photos….But man do they ever hurt when I do see them.

I see photos of myself from 2004 and think “what I would give to be THAT fat again” Its amazing how we view ourselves and then look back and don’t understand how we could have ever thought something was wrong with us.

But it’s still getting harder to look at newer photos..I’ve almost come to that point where I don’t want photos taken of me anymore because I just feel so horrible when I look at them.

Again reminding myself that things are going to change and I am going to be looking very very different next summer..lol

My mom keeps telling me how beautiful I am but after the surgery I am going to be so “hot” I just laugh.
She thinks I am going to change personality wise and I really don’t think I will….I mean once you’ve been where I’ve been and seen things the way I’ve seen them I don’t think you really can become a mean person….maybe a little more hungry though…LOL
But in all seriousness I think I will have a better understanding of what it’s like to be not only a women but a fat women and I will never again be a bitch towards someone who struggles with weight as I do.
Yes you heard me, I’ve been a bitch before and I am ashamed to admit it but it’s very true….Karma really is a bitch cause she socked it to me.

I should have never taken for granted who and what I was, but had I remained the person I was then I would not be the women I am today.
That little girl was a lost soul and was so troubled.
So if becoming a fat women was what it was going to take to allow me to become a stronger women then I will take it.

I will learn from this and grow even stronger as I continue this next step of my life.

When I am with you I feel on top of the world.
When your gone, I long to be next to you.
I don’t know quite how to deal with these feelings.
They are powerful, strong and scary.

I need you to share your feelings.
So I know what’s going on.
And don’t be afraid to ask me mine.
I’ll always try to be honest.

I need you to be there for me.
And to grow along with me.
I need you to be understanding.
As we experience this together.

I need you to know I care for you.
And love all the things you do.
I need you to know I want to be with you.
To always know my heart is true.

I need you….

(c) T.Frederick  Aug.4th 2010

I use to have them daily and the weirdest things could set them off and send me into a wild roller coaster ride, Then with the medication and therapy I’d learned to control them almost to the point where I was having none at all.

Some might see it as being paranoid … heck I think even I do from time to time but for the most part it’s this overwhelming sense of emotion that is hard to process through.
It’s this feeling of being unable to breath like suffocation, The chest tightens and my breathing becomes hard.
I’ve lost control over controlling the attacks and at their worst they can almost knock me on my ass.

I’ve been going through my own stuff lately and I think it’s dragging up a lot of old emotions and it’s those old emotions I have to re learn to control.
But when new things come into your life and they bring up old you don’t foresee it happening your just going along with these new things and woopsie daisy an old emotion stops in for a visit with out warning.

Everyday is a learning process for me, and as I begin a new chapter in my life and it happens to bring in these old feelings I will take the steps I need to in order too regain control.

When is it ok to get excited about a new relationship?
Should it be right from the start? or is there like a time frame you should be watching before you get to that point?
And how do you know if your excited or TOO excited?…lol

I’ve gotten into a new relationship with someone I’ve known for over 4 years and some say that dating friends are bad and others say it’s great because you already know basically everything about them.

I find myself excited about our relationship and about spending time with him or talking with him online or on the phone.
I end up missing him just mere hours after we leave each others company and I am not sure if I am going mad or not…lol

He’s one of those people that when your his special someone no matter who’s in a room you feel like your the most important.
One that no matter what your mood something they do will bring a smile your face.
One of those guys that when you think of them you can’t help but crack and ear to ear grin and feel childish like a school girl.

I will tell you I am riding this wave of excitement as it’s something I’ve never really experienced and it’s such an amazing and wonderful feeling.
To have someone appreciate you and treat you with kindness and affection with no hidden motives behind it is something every person should feel.
I just hope he feels that I do the same as he does for me

Most days I wake up and can barely move, the mere thought of getting out of bed each day becomes a task.
And because I am on such a heavy dose of drugs it takes awhile for my body to actually begin to function.
Some people see this as me being lazy, or sleeping too long cause I do nothing everyday…it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Speaking of sleeping this is a perfect time to enlighten some as to one of the many curses of Fibromyalgia  .. CFS = Chronic Fatigue Syndrome…which means most days I can’t for the life of me fall asleep and when I do sleep I don’t sleep well and then my body has even more pain and I end up being exhausted all day long.
Then when and if I do manage to get a good night sleep I sleep longer then most people I can go anywhere from 10 to 15 hours of sleep….BUT please keep in mind that before those nights I have had many nights of only 4-6 hours sleep and my body by this point is so tired it shuts itself right down.

I am actually thankful to those 10-15 hour days, it’s one of the only times I actually wake up feeling pretty rested. My pain levels are lower as well on the days that I get the most sleep.
But most just see it as me being lazy and sleeping my life away….think again.

I don’t think many understand how their criticism actually hurts me, I don’t enjoy having Fibro and CFS but I have them none the less and I have 1 of 2 choices…lay down and give up OR make the best of what I’ve got.
I choose to do the best with the cards I have been dealt and really I don’t think I do to bad of a job getting through the days.

Yes I can sleep until 3pm in the afternoon but instead of judging that fact ask what time I actually fell asleep! some nights I can’t get to bed til 9am in the morning so if 3pm is my wake up time then so friggin be it!
And that’s only 6 hours sleep which means my body at this point is NOT well rested and I am going to be in even more pain…it also means my drugs are not fully out of my system and I am groggy on top of in pain.

I am so tired of people passing judgement on what they “think” they know but I will tell you this .. EVERY Fibro patient is different.
Fibromyalgia effects different people in different ways, no two people are alike in how they have symptom’s or how they deal with their pain.

So instead of passing judgment try to be a little more understanding!

I want to believe I’ve found something true.
It’s been so long, it’s all so new.

Scared to believe someone could really love me.
Get lost in my madness, peek in and you’ll see.

I’m so crazy, I’m so scared.
Lost; thinking no one cares.

The thought of it all makes me full of life.
The thought of it all scares me that’s right.

Lost in my crazy thoughts, I feel so all alone.
No one to love me and guide my heart home.

I’m working it out, in my own little ways.
Takes time to get there, months not days.

Lost in my mind, lost in my heart.
Will you be there right from the start.

I hope you’ll bare with me and give me a chance.
Guide my heart home with a smile and glance.

(c) Tammy Frederick July 22nd 2010